The Hatter is a Virgin
by Kioasakka
Summary: Alice wants to take her relationship with Hatter to the next level, but he isn't ready, and he's been too embarrassed to tell her why. Hattice one-shot.


Everything's perfect.

Really, life couldn't be any better. I've finally got myself settled into Alice's world, and our relationship is going smoothly. Nothing could possibly ruin what I've got going here.

Well. Nothing except _that._

I don't really like to talk about it… and in my defense, it's not exactly like I'd ever had time to even_ think_ about doing anything about it. There were—more important things to worry about.

But, anyway…

And the worst part of all of it is—_Alice _probably knows how that goes, how those things happen, and I—I won't have a bloody clue. Talk about _embarrassing._

I mean it's not like I'll be able to pretend I know what I'm doing if any of that even happens. People just didn't really talk about it in Wonderland. Like I know the basics, sort of, from stuff I've picked up on the streets or whatever, but how am I supposed to actually know what's true and what isn't? And if _Alice _knows, well, I'm shit out of luck.

Not that I've had to worry about it _too _much yet. We've been in that kind of careful phase where we're just a little afraid to touch each other and everything's pretty gentle. But we've been together for a couple months now and—I dunno, I'm kinda getting paranoid. She's been turning up the back burner a little bit lately if you know what I mean, and I think she can tell I'm still uncomfortable. What's worse is I think she thinks I don't actually like her enough, which is simply not true. But I'm too embarrassed to mention my ignorance and that, well, the idea actually is pretty fucking scary.

We have a date tonight, at my place, and I've been frantically tidying up all day like I always do before she comes over. Not that I have too much stuff anyway, and I'm generally pretty neat, but you can never be too careful with girls. They're tricky business. And I certainly wouldn't want her to walk out on me because I'm a slob.

I've also been stressing out about dinner. Alice and I have dinner together every night, but for whatever reason I don't think Chinese or pizza will cut it. And it's just my luck that I don't make a decision before she gets here.

She's wearing a black blouse and great-fitting jeans and looks absolutely stunning, as always. "Alice!" I say, trying to mask my nervousness with enthusiasm. "You're early."

She shrugs. "Couldn't wait till eight," she says with a smile, leaning forward and kissing me. Though my eyes close, I stand still and don't move a muscle, as if my entire body shut down and refuses to respond to her. She pulls back ever so slightly and I look at her under half-closed lids; her lips are still just brushing mine, and hers are curled into a smile. She looks up at me through her lashes and there's that _look, _that look that makes me hold my breath and press my lips together nervously. I take a half-step back and move aside, taking off my hat, bowing my head, and holding out my arm to signal her to come in. She laughs and makes her way to my couch. I exhale slowly as I close the door and and lock it.

"Hatter…"

I look out of the corner of my eye and there she is, standing in front of the sofa with that silly smile on her face and that _look._ Damn it, can't she just be normal and not do this tonight?

I twirl my hat back on my head and cautiously make my way toward her. It's not like I don't like kissing Alice; I do. A whole hell of a lot. But I'd be a lot more inclined to _do _so if she would just knock it off with the_ look. _

Don't get me wrong. I'm very attracted to her in… that way. But when the possibility arises, I get suddenly very nervous.

We settle in for a movie with popcorn and the pizza gets here halfway through (I gave in, as per her insistance). The movie's almost over and I'm taking a bite of a breadstick when I feel her cool lips on my neck. A shudder runs through me, but I ignore it and flash her a smile before locking my eyes back on the TV.

"Hey, Hatter…" she says seductively.

I look at her out of the corner of my eye. "Mhm?" I ask, swallowing.

Before I know what's going on, she's got her mouth on mine, and I can't help but kiss her back. My arms slink around her and my hand cradles the back of her head gently. What starts as something relatively innocent becomes something quite else when she grabs the front of my shirt in both fists, pulls my face even closer to hers, and slips onto my lap, straddling me and pushing me back into the couch. My hands grip her waist as I continue to kiss her, trying to ignore the growing problem in my pants and hoping she doesn't notice.

Naturally, she does, and shows it by pressing her crotch down on mine and rubbing slightly, eliciting an involuntary half-gasp, half-moan from me. She smiles wickedly and begins to unbutton my shirt, and that's when I put up my hands and say, "Wait, Alice—wait a minute."

She frowns at me. "What's wrong?"

I lick my lips nervously. "Um, well, I jus', ah—you see, it's like—"

She pushes herself off of me and sits back on the coffee table. The confusion and hurt in her eyes is almost unbearable. "What is it, Hatter?" she demands. "You've been doing this for awhile now. Are you just not that attracted to me? Is that it?"

"No!" I say quickly, lurching forward in my seat. "Nononono, tha's not it at all! I—you're very attractive, actually—really, _i_attractive, and I mean—"

"Hatter!"

I look up at her, but it's too much, and I have to look down again. "Alice, listen to me… it's—it's not you, it's—"

She stands up sharply. "Oh, don't give me the whole 'it's not you it's me' bullshit. If you don't want to have sex with me, Hatter, that's just fine, but at least tell me—"

"Alice, no!" I stand up and reach for her, but she pulls away. "I—I do want to have…ahm, _that _with you—"

"Sex, Hatter, sex! It's called _sex!_ Why can't you say it? Are you fourteen?"

"Alice!" I manage to grab hold of her wrists and look her in the eye. Softly, I say, my voice shaking, "Alice, I… I _do _want to… have sex with you. I jus', well… it's a li'le embarrassing, to be honest, but I, um…"

She shakes her head. "Just spit it out," she says, but her anger has mostly faded away, and she just sounds wounded.

_You gotta tell her, man, or you'll lose her. _I close my eyes and take a deep breath, opening my eyes again to look into hers, and say, "The truth, Alice, is that I'm a… I've never—"

Her eyes widen in surprise, and then to my horror, a giggle escapes her lips. "Hatter, you're—you're a _virgin_?"

My cheeks burn in humiliation as I force myself to keep looking at her, and I nod. "Yeah. Yeah, okay? I'm a… virgin. And to be honest, the reason why I've been distancing myself from you when this stuff happens is because I'm, jus', you know, afraid I'll do it… incorrectly, or something."

She presses her lips together like she's trying really hard not to smile, but it doesn't work. I let go of her wrists and turn around to walk away, but she grabs my shoulder and turns me back to face her. Her hands are on my face and she's pressing the gentlest of kisses onto my lips. When she pulls back, her smile is gentle and kind, though her eyes dance with amusement.

"My dearest Hatter," she murmurs lovingly. "And here I've been worrying you didn't really like me. Thank goodness that isn't the case."

My face is burning and I don't speak. She pulls me close to her and embraces me in one of her warm Alice hugs. I can't help but smile, and I kiss her sweet-smelling hair.

"Isn't that funny." She nuzzles her face into my chest. "Normally it's the girl."


End file.
